I know a guy...

...who's as perfect as possible.
He's polite, well educated, you know - a good guy.
Not an addict, not alcoholic, doesn't even smoke.
He does sports, goes to the gym and eats healthy diet.
He likes me. He makes me laugh and he might be the cutest ever when he laughs.
Still there is some things that don't fit into the puzzle.
I don't know why, but I just can't trust him. I don't mean I couldn't trust men. There's just something about him, that bothers me. I have no clue what it is, but it's something. I think he's just too perfect. Maybe I'm just too  suspicious. But there must be something wrong. And I know there is, and it digs me that I don't know what it is.
I know I'm making something up on purpose, but I just need to get something. 'Cause no one is perfect, huh?
What if it's something huge, that's going to bother me when it comes up? Wouldn't it be easier if it showed up now before anything is even about to happen?
BUT
what if there's nothing? Shouldn't I be able to trust him right now, and just go with the flow? Enjoy?
You have no clue how much I would love to just but my sense into the back of my mind and trust my feelings. But on the other hand, it's the feeling that says there's something wrong. But only my sense tells me to be careful.
He's not bad. He's very decent and adorable. Am I running out of my mind when I'm really searching the things that suck? I don't know.

And by the way.. because of my work I have to see that guy everyday.

549

"You see she wanted to learn to play guitar, 

be a ballerina or movie star. 

She could go so far. 

I wish she can be anything that she wants to.

I wish she can ride her bike every afternoon. 

I wish she can laugh and play in those backyard games,

just like all little girls should get to do. 

And I wish I could see it all. 

But her memory will live on right here

'till I get over there and see her again."

Puolitoista vuotta, kahdeksantoista  kuukautta, seitsämänkymmentäkahdeksan viikkoa ja viisisataaneljäkymmentäyhdeksän päivää. Viisisataaneljäkymmentäyhdeksän päivää on kulunut vuoden 2010 marraskuun kahdennestakymmenennestäviidennestä päivästä. Tasan puolivuotta. 


Viisisataaneljäkymmentäyhdeksän päivää olen herännyt sama ajatus päässä. 
Viisisataaneljäkymmentäyhdeksän päivää olen nukahtanut samoin ajatuksin.
Viidestäsadastaneljästäkymmenestäyhdeksästä päivästä yhtäkään ei ole kulunut ilman tuota yhtä ajatusta. 
Viisisataaneljäkymmentäyhdeksän päivää olen jokaisena tuntenut ikävää. Ikävää, jota eilen ensimmäisen kerran itkin. 
Minä, joka en usko jumalaan, joka ilta sen toiveen jonnekkin lähetän "Please, keep them safe". 

And every single day I hope. 
I hope he's not hurting them anymore. 
I hope I could see them again. 
Maybe someday I will. 

Insecurity

"Must it take a life for hateful eyes

 to glisten once again. 

Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess. 

Singing drunken lullabies." 

I keep asking myself:

why do I never learn? 

Why do I always make the same mistakes again?

I found myself AGAIN

trusting someone I shouldn't have.

My fear of being blue-eyed is even bigger than my fear of the dark.

Ja asiasta toiseen, 

I'm not sure is one person I know doing alright, and I'm getting a bit worried. 

I don't know how to get an honest answer. 

What should I do??