like a football field

"Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive." 

I know I won't give up.

I know I can survive. 

I know I will cope. 

Right now I'm just a bit insecure.

How?

There was a time I knew exactly what to do. If something happened, I had a solution in a minute. I was able to keep myself calm, hide all my feeling, put them into the back of my mind. Now I can't. 

As I said, I know I'll cope through what ever happens, what ever it takes, but the ways of coping just doesn't come to me anymore. I have to search for them. And it really pisses me off. The ways I used to handle things, to be honest, were not always the best ones. I didn't do the thinking part until I had actually done it. But I took the responsibility, I stood behind my doings. I did first and then cleaned up the mess. Now if I face a problem, I have to actually THINK what will I do. What I CAN do. Okay, sounds smart, but I don't really do smart, it's not my thing. My thing is to live just one minute at the time. I'm not so sure anymore about anything. I actually never was sure about anything but nor I doubted nothing, but now I do. And it freaks me out. 

This life is like a football arena. Every time you walk to that field, you go there with the attitude that you're going to do your very best. Sometimes there's more pressure of winning, sometimes it doesn't matter. Depends on how relevant the game is. Doesn't matter if you loose one match. You just have to win enough smaller games to win a whole tournament. Life's the tournament. Little struggles and adversities are the matches and you need to do everything you just can - to do your best.

It's not only doing your best. When you walk to that field, when you play, you're not alone. There's a team with you. A team, you're going to play all the games with in the tournament. You wouldn't be anything without your team. Without your team you had nothing. No one to look after you, no one to safeguard your background. No one to help you, if you are in a need of support. There are two types of players. The ones who run away when tough comes. Then there are the ones who are willing to do everything they can, they are ready to do anything that just crosses their mind, to help their own team. I belong to the second group. 

I can say I'm brave. I can say I'm foolhardy. I might be dangerous, I have no self-protection and I usually have no clue when I cross the lines. But I'm still here. Well and alive. And a piece by piece I'm becoming to be happy after all. 

Now I think I deserve one beer. 

Have a nice weekend.